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About Film & Animation / Professional Premium Member Doug ToltzmanMale/United States Recent Activity
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Big Hat Upstream 23 by BrownEyes-n-BlueEyes

Your choice of backgrounds is great. The model is attractive and nicely posed. I like the big hat, also. The one thing this photograph ...

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What keeps me going? At the moment, I can't answer that question. We are all but actors on life's stage. If you accept that metaphor, and you know that an actor must understand his/her character's motivation, in order to play the part, then you understand why it's a bit stifling when one can't find one's motivation. Sometimes, it gets hard to get out of bed in the morning.
When I'm struggling to get through the days and it all just seems overwhelming, I harken back to something Tom Hanks' character said in the movie, Cast Away. He said, "I realized all I had to do was breathe". Sometimes life is easier when I set aside the distractions, cut through the artificial packaging, and realize that my biggest problems are all self imposed.
Sure, I want to keep my nice home, with my office full of computer equipment, and my cameras, audio gear, etc. I want to maintain all of these artificial layers, but I don't need them. Life isn't easy for anyone, and I don't think it ever will be, but we tend to make it a lot more difficult than it has to be.
People who make a lot more money than me, seem to have even more headaches. More money often just buys more layers of bullshit. I think I know what I really want, but there's a better than average chance that I'll never get what I really want, so my challenge is to find my own motivation, and make the most of what life I have left.
Regardless of how much I think I need something I don't have, I must be wrong, because I'm still breathing. Happy people say happiness is a choice, and I suppose they're right. I've made some difficult choices in my life, and lots of stupid ones, but choosing happiness is something that escapes me. I feel I need external motivation, and that is where I fail.
Before I started writing this journal entry, I was pretty sure I couldn't get out of my rut without some external influence. However, I've reasoned myself into a corner. The only motivation I can safely build on, has to come from within me. I hate it when I come to these conclusions. Sometimes it hurts so much, I just want someone to hold me, but I can't wait around for someone to prop me up. This is my job, and feeling sorry for myself is getting me nowhere.
Thanks for the clarification. I'll do my best to keep breathing.
  • Mood: Lonely
  • Listening to: BBC World News
  • Eating: pineapple
  • Drinking: water

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MarshExplorer
Doug Toltzman
Artist | Professional | Film & Animation
United States
I mostly take photos for artistic and erotic expression. I shoot commercial video, and I also model for other photographers; mostly in bondage. I created a folder for my adventures as a bondage model. So, my gallery contains my work and photos of me by others. I am a software developer by trade who loves the outdoors; especially the water. I kayak wherever I can, and play in the mud whenever I can.
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:icontunyuh:
tunyuh Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
thanks
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:iconultimate-psycho:
Ultimate-Psycho Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
:iconfaven1:
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:iconhiddio:
Hiddio Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you very much for the fav!
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:icontakemydreams:
takemydreams Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks so much for the fav hun :)
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:iconcircledreams:
CircleDreams Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014
:star::star::star: Thanks so much for your fav of "Caught in a State of Suspense!" :aww:
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:iconmarshexplorer:
MarshExplorer Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014  Professional Filmographer
Thanks for writing it! I had the easy job.
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:iconcircledreams:
CircleDreams Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014
...:aww:
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:iconsmoke-dymok:
smoke-dymok Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks for watching! :)
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:iconpoisonmeforthefuture:
PoisonMeForTheFuture Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014
Im wrong on more levels than you'd understand :blowkiss:
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:iconswift-tiger:
Swift-Tiger Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014
Thank you very much for the llama. :) :hug:
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