What keeps me going? At the moment, I can't answer that question. We are all but actors on life's stage. If you accept that metaphor, and you know that an actor must understand his/her character's motivation, in order to play the part, then you understand why it's a bit stifling when one can't find one's motivation. Sometimes, it gets hard to get out of bed in the morning.
When I'm struggling to get through the days and it all just seems overwhelming, I harken back to something Tom Hanks' character said in the movie, Cast Away. He said, "I realized all I had to do was breathe". Sometimes life is easier when I set aside the distractions, cut through the artificial packaging, and realize that my biggest problems are all self imposed.
Sure, I want to keep my nice home, with my office full of computer equipment, and my cameras, audio gear, etc. I want to maintain all of these artificial layers, but I don't need them. Life isn't easy for anyone, and I don't think it ever will be, but we tend to make it a lot more difficult than it has to be.
People who make a lot more money than me, seem to have even more headaches. More money often just buys more layers of bullshit. I think I know what I really want, but there's a better than average chance that I'll never get what I really want, so my challenge is to find my own motivation, and make the most of what life I have left.
Regardless of how much I think I need something I don't have, I must be wrong, because I'm still breathing. Happy people say happiness is a choice, and I suppose they're right. I've made some difficult choices in my life, and lots of stupid ones, but choosing happiness is something that escapes me. I feel I need external motivation, and that is where I fail.
Before I started writing this journal entry, I was pretty sure I couldn't get out of my rut without some external influence. However, I've reasoned myself into a corner. The only motivation I can safely build on, has to come from within me. I hate it when I come to these conclusions. Sometimes it hurts so much, I just want someone to hold me, but I can't wait around for someone to prop me up. This is my job, and feeling sorry for myself is getting me nowhere.
Thanks for the clarification. I'll do my best to keep breathing.